Internal Conflict

I have been reading past occurrences, past narratives of the life I have led over the last year. I have been reading, and as my eyes end one sentence, my mind travels to diverse thoughts. So I begin reflecting on who I am today. More specifically, who I am with people today.

  I am different. I’m sure they have noticed. I have withdrawn from jokes. I don’t laugh as often at my friends' jokes, no. I don’t talk as much about my day with them, I don’t. I have noticed, they have noticed. And I’m sorry if my attitude has made them feel like I am mad at them. That’s not what’s happening.

 It’s not their fault. It's no one else's fault but mine. It's my insides that are killing me.

 I’m thinking about it, and the fact that I have become so quiet while there are all sorts of noises in my head is just the result of the internal conflicts that have grown in me recently. I wonder if I am a worthwhile person. I wonder if my destiny will ever make an impact in the world. I wonder if making an effort of waking up every day is also worth the time and resources of those around me. I wonder if I am a person worthy of spending time with the people I spend time with. I wonder if I’m the best student, the best daughter, the best roommate, the best sister, the best "smoothie-maker," the best shift leader... I wonder if I am the best I can be in every aspect of my life. 

 But I ask no one, so I don’t really know. The bad thing is that I have become so self aware, and maybe even so insecure, that I decide to internalize all of these queries and the dark side of my mind begins to answer these questions and her answers bring me hopelessness. I am not the best at anything. I am not worthy of anything. 

 So a new desire grows in me. 

  I want to disappear. 

  I imagine that the world would be better off if I were not here. My parents would not have to worry about bringing food to the table for me, my sister wouldn’t have to worry about helping me doing the laundry, teachers wouldn’t worry about what I’ll do with my future, my friends wouldn't worry about my problems, my boss wouldn't be worried about my skills at work. I wouldn’t have to be part of those statistics that show the number of illegal immigrants in the United States that “do not help the economy of the country,” I wouldn’t have to try to be the best to prove Americans that I am not the worst that can exist. 

 So I guess that’s all I’m doing; trying to prove others wrong. But really, I am not doing anything... I just store ideas in my head and I end up being so confused about what to start with, and what to do next, that the only possible and easiest exit from the ridiculousness that my life has become is disappear.

 There have been mornings when I open my eyes and ask God to make me part of a deadly accident so that I don’t have to kill myself, because I am not brave enough to take my own life. Because, really, I don’t wanna kill myself I just wanna disappear temporarily. I want to go off the radar for a few days, or a few weeks, just to figure myself out, and then reappear before the eyes of those who already believe in me. 

 So the only way of being almost nonexistent is being quiet. Appearing small, and doing my own thing. Not smiling, nor laughing, nor reacting to anything that you say. I’ll just be quiet, I’ll keep a straight face, I will even try to not breathe so fast, and no one will notice I’m here. 

  This time, it really is me. It’s this darkness that expands and takes over the optimism that once helped me get out of bed. 

 I just want to be invisible, so please stop trying to know how I’m doing, please stop caring about me.

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Read it in Spanish: Conflicto Interno