Internal Conflict

I have been reading past occurrences, past narratives of the life I have led over the last year. I have been reading, and as my eyes end one sentence, my mind travels to diverse thoughts. So I begin reflecting on who I am today. More specifically, who I am with people today.

  I am different. I’m sure they have noticed. I have withdrawn from jokes. I don’t laugh as often at my friends' jokes, no. I don’t talk as much about my day with them, I don’t. I have noticed, they have noticed. And I’m sorry if my attitude has made them feel like I am mad at them. That’s not what’s happening.

 It’s not their fault. It's no one else's fault but mine. It's my insides that are killing me.

 I’m thinking about it, and the fact that I have become so quiet while there are all sorts of noises in my head is just the result of the internal conflicts that have grown in me recently. I wonder if I am a worthwhile person. I wonder if my destiny will ever make an impact in the world. I wonder if making an effort of waking up every day is also worth the time and resources of those around me. I wonder if I am a person worthy of spending time with the people I spend time with. I wonder if I’m the best student, the best daughter, the best roommate, the best sister, the best "smoothie-maker," the best shift leader... I wonder if I am the best I can be in every aspect of my life. 

 But I ask no one, so I don’t really know. The bad thing is that I have become so self aware, and maybe even so insecure, that I decide to internalize all of these queries and the dark side of my mind begins to answer these questions and her answers bring me hopelessness. I am not the best at anything. I am not worthy of anything. 

 So a new desire grows in me. 

  I want to disappear. 

  I imagine that the world would be better off if I were not here. My parents would not have to worry about bringing food to the table for me, my sister wouldn’t have to worry about helping me doing the laundry, teachers wouldn’t worry about what I’ll do with my future, my friends wouldn't worry about my problems, my boss wouldn't be worried about my skills at work. I wouldn’t have to be part of those statistics that show the number of illegal immigrants in the United States that “do not help the economy of the country,” I wouldn’t have to try to be the best to prove Americans that I am not the worst that can exist. 

 So I guess that’s all I’m doing; trying to prove others wrong. But really, I am not doing anything... I just store ideas in my head and I end up being so confused about what to start with, and what to do next, that the only possible and easiest exit from the ridiculousness that my life has become is disappear.

 There have been mornings when I open my eyes and ask God to make me part of a deadly accident so that I don’t have to kill myself, because I am not brave enough to take my own life. Because, really, I don’t wanna kill myself I just wanna disappear temporarily. I want to go off the radar for a few days, or a few weeks, just to figure myself out, and then reappear before the eyes of those who already believe in me. 

 So the only way of being almost nonexistent is being quiet. Appearing small, and doing my own thing. Not smiling, nor laughing, nor reacting to anything that you say. I’ll just be quiet, I’ll keep a straight face, I will even try to not breathe so fast, and no one will notice I’m here. 

  This time, it really is me. It’s this darkness that expands and takes over the optimism that once helped me get out of bed. 

 I just want to be invisible, so please stop trying to know how I’m doing, please stop caring about me.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Read it in Spanish: Conflicto Interno

Drowning Lessons

Inside the water I was able to think of something else. A song to relax.

I tried to move my arms and legs, to coordinate my limbs to actually begin swimming inside the pool. But then, I remembered what had happened & the stressful things I had been experienced. I remembered the nightmare I had dreamt days before, I thought about the homework I had to finish for school, about how stupid I had felt last Friday at school. I thought about it all.

I thought about the way my dad had treated me the night before, trying to 'fix my beliefs.' I got tense when I started to think about this because he already knew what I think about God but it was so that I realized that maybe he didn't really know it after all. He was just being stubborn.

But no one could understand that, ever. That's why I was glad to have Gerard by my side all the time, because he was like me. He is me.
But inside the pool, in the water Gerard went away. He disappeared among the tiny and invisible molecules of bleached water. I can't breathe, I get stiffer, I tense up thinking that Gerard will never come back.

    
I lose focus and start to drown.
I can hear my swimming instructor yelling outside of this fluid layer. He asks me to move faster.

I don't want to fail him (again), so I try harder, I try to do it, I try to obey. I want to win, I want to feel good once I make it to the end, once I see that no one can catch me. 

And if you stay, all I'm asking for is.

I try to open my mouth and get some oxygen inside of my lungs when my face is able to reach the surface of the water, still trying to coordinate my limbs while my neck fights to stay atop.
     But then... all the stuff I had wanted to tell my dad, the shit I wanted to scream at the bully girl at school, the suggestions and things I wanted to ask my instructor so that he could help me understand how to do this properly, became a bundle of knotted strings in my throat.
       


I can't. I just can't.

Gerard isn't waiting for me like before. He's not sitting in the bleachers, or standing on the other side of the pool, watching out for me. I feel lonely, and my goggles fill with water.

Stupid goggles! They're broken!

I can't breathe, I stiffen up and my goggles flood. How could I make it to the other end without Gerard cheering me up? HOW?

I try to relax again, and I try to move. I shouldn't stop moving, I shouldn't... I shouldn't lose, but my throat--with the knot--isn't letting air into my lungs, and they collapse... not entirely, but everything is blurry.

without a sound, without a sound... and I wish you away

 My instructor keeps asking for perfection and speed. I just need to keep going, just one fourth of the whole distance left. Just one fourth.



Gerard finally comes back, I can hear his voice inside my head.

Yet, I fail. I drown in my thoughts, I drown in the water.
The others made it before I did. My sister looks at me, confused, she also made it before. She's always been faster.

So I make it. And I stop swimming, and start coughing all the water from my throat, my pulse increases a bit more.

I just want to cry. Three 8-year-olds have made it before me, too. I fear the bad things the instructor will point out to me. 

I pull back my tears, I keep the goggles on so that no one notices how red my eyes are.

But Gerard is there again. He's with me, on the other side.

"What's wrong?" he asks me.

  But I say nothing. I want to ask him to leave me alone, to stop talking, but the words are trapped inside my throat again, and they travel down my stomach and my gut twists.

Rather, I ask him, "Don't let them humiliate me," inside my head. He listens.

"What did you do wrong?" he asks me. "Did you do your breathing right? Did you drown?" my instructor asks smug. I swallow my pride, I swallow my rage and I immerse my head back down, into the water, trying to practice my faulty breathing.

I look up, and Gerard smiles at me, trying to bring me a little bit of peace. And then I see him plunge in the water and drown. I see his eyes and mouth rounding up, he's scared. He drowns... no one else sees him but me.

Let's say goodbye the hundredth time and then tomorrow we'll do it again... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Read this in Spanish: Lecciones de Ahogamiento